


Back to Black

by eveynull



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Girls Kissing, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Recovery, Sparring, Suicidal Thoughts, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-28 08:06:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16719558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eveynull/pseuds/eveynull
Summary: The war is finished.The Horde, collapsed.The fright zone is all but a ghost town.Adora and Catra have had some time to reunite, to rest, to set Etheria down the road to recovery.But there are personal wounds that need attending to, a shared history that they've not yet had the time to truly address.Sometimes recovery means confronting your past firsthand. Sometimes you have to look your trauma in the eye and take in its horror, its ugliness, the pain it caused you.Sometimes you need to look upon that beast, defeated in the sand, and open yourself up to it one last time, so you can finally leave it dead and buried.





	1. Its Jaws

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“Are _you_ sure?”

“Geez, Adora, it’s not a competition or anything.”

Adora smirked, but she was far too tense to laugh. Her chest was tightening painfully and her hands were trembling a little. Catra’s concerned eyes looked over her and a hand went softly to her shoulder. “Hey. It’s okay to change your mind. There’s no reason you have to do this.”

“No, I want to. It’s just… it feels wrong being here again.”

“It would. Felt wrong being here before.”

Adora took a slow look around the two of them and shivered. The remains of the Fright Zone stretched off for several miles in all directions; bits and pieces of it had crumbled, banners were torn and some had just been outright vaporised in the conflict some weeks ago. Now the dust had settled, the fires had died down and there was an eerie stillness in the air. Was it smoke in the air that was stifling her breath or something else?

“Adora. Hey.” Catra nudged her again and Adora wiped away the tears that were stinging at the corners of her eyes. “I mean it. There’s nothing here for you anymore. It’s okay to walk away.”

“Let’s… go inside, at least.”

She could at least take a step indoors. Maybe, somehow, it wouldn’t be as bad as being out here in the open. Less exposed. They were raised in dorms and corridors, after all…

Catra’s hand clasped delicately around her arm. There was a slight comfort to be found in the tips of those claws pressing into her skin. Adora turned and finally gave a thumbs up and a weak smile that was of little reassurance of her wellbeing. “Okay. Ready.”

Gritting her own teeth, Catra reached gingerly into her pocket and her fingers emerged with a small brass badge between them. For an instant she saw her face reflected in the dull image of the Horde before looking away and pressing it to the door scanner. The door coughed, struggling to life on the last dredges of energy that still lingered in its reserves, before slowly crawling open.

_“Access Granted. Welcome, Horde Commander Cat-“_

Without realising Catra had flung her fist at the speaker and the robotic voice was rudely cut off by the crackle of sparking wires as she tore out its circuits. _Shudder_. She turned, giving a mock bow and waving Adora in.

“After you, my princess…!”

“Ugh, shut up.”

Their smiles both faded as they stepped over the door boundary, hit in the face by a cool, sterile atmosphere that was familiar, too familiar. The light around them had taken on a dark, toxic green hue – reflecting off the metal walls, no longer smooth and sleek but rusted and decaying. There was absolute silence, not a hint of any life remaining. For many a year the fright zone had felt cramped, claustrophobic, always busy and always moving. Now, though… they were alone.

They stood there for a long minute, frozen to the spot, with the only sound that of their slow breaths which misted up before their eyes. Catra’s grip around Adora’s arm tightened.

“Having any regrets, yet…?”

Adora swallowed.

“…Too many.”


	2. Its Belly

Rows of metal tables were arranged in front of them, filthier than they’d ever thought possible. Memories of cleaning duty came creeping back as Adora ran a finger along a surface, stepping between scattered benches and upended trays. Their group would stay behind for hours until their superiors were satisfied - really just another ritual to grind them down and discipline them, but they made the most of those hours nonetheless, goofing around and cracking jokes to make the work pass quicker… Oh man, there was the time Lonnie stepped in the mop bucket and went flying nearly half across the room before falling on her face. One of those rare moments her cool demeanour had broken! They’d rolled around laughing so hard they all got extra duties for the rest of the week, but it was _so_ worth it.

“The heck’re you smiling at?”

“Huh?”

Adora snapped out of it, Catra was peering at her with a look of utter bewilderment. Adora blushed; she’d actually sniggered aloud without realising. “O-oh, uh… you know, memories.”

“Say wha-at?”

 _What did she just say?_ “Well, uh- uh, ah… forget it. It’s dumb. I was miles off.”

Catra was perched on the table in front of her, one eye squinting at her. A clawed finger came up and jabbed her in-between the eyes.

“You brain damaged?”

She slapped the hand away, rolling her eyes. “I just wasn’t paying attention. Anyway, this place is a mess.”

“Well yeah. Probably a bunch of ‘em were in here when it all started. Halfway through lunch, I’d say.” She picked up a tray and tipped it over, allowing a brown-green mush to trail slowly down and eventually drop to the floor with a greasy _flop_. “Man, wonder if the food was bad on purpose. Put us all in bad tempers and fightin’ moods.”

“Is that why you never actually ate it?”

“Well, we were always meant to fend for ourselves! And I kept the rat problem down!”

“Was… was that actually a joke, or… you never told me.”

Catra wiggled her eyebrows with a smug smirk. Adora had to gag at the thought, which in turn tickled Catra so much that soon her own laughter was echoing around them off the resonant surroundings. When it faded away, the two of them were still and silent again - and Catra just looked perturbed once more. She ran a hand through her hair, shifting uncomfortably.

“Why’d you wanna come here, anyways…?” she mumbled, hopping to her feet and folding her arms as she began to walk off. “S’just a canteen… I get next pick.”

Adora, too, toyed with her hair uneasily, twisting a few stands between her fingers. The fear and nausea had passed now they’d began walking the corridors again; in fact, she was almost disturbingly comfortable to be back. Like she’d barely ever left. A million memories were burned into her, here, but now they were like ghosts haunting her – unwanted remnants that she no longer has use or want for.

And Catra… she looked at Catra’s slumped back heading for the door. For Catra they were far more recent wounds. It had been Catra’s idea to come here, when Adora had broached the subject of addressing the past – but now they were here, she looked all the worse for wear.

 _Of course she is. This is her old torture chamber_. For Adora, these walls contained a mix of confusing and conflicting emotions, a sort of nostalgia for times she’d never want to live again, it was walking through abandoned dreams and seeing the lies and malice they were truly made of. For Catra there was merely a sickly haze of trauma and fear, a quagmire she’d spent her whole life clawing out of while trying just not to suffocate from the pressure pushing in on her.

It hit her that maybe Catra wasn’t just here for Adora’s sake. If so… then she had to return the favour.

They had to look out for each other in this place.


	3. Its Claws

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You were promised angst......... now I deliver, hahaAHAHAHA (SOBBING)

“Now _this_ is more like it.”

Catra’s confident footsteps echoed out across the wide-open training field, a sea of pillars and hexagon tiles that got her blood rushing just laying eyes on them again. Adora followed behind, somewhat more hesitant.

“Are you sure it’s safe?”

“Eh, this place is dying. Doubt there’s anywhere near enough juice in these walls to throw anything at us.”

She ran her claws along a ‘trunk’, its surface sparking as she trailed thin lines into its side. She was smirking again, her eyes flicking about in all directions before falling on an unmistakeable sight…

“Well, if you’re scared…” Catra’s hands felt down onto the floor, clasping around two black staffs that lay there abandoned. She held one out at arm’s length, her eyes on Adora, who shifted and recoiled slightly. Catra raised an eyebrow. “Come oooon, it’ll be like old times!”

“That’s what I’m afraid of…” Adora mumbled, a frown traced across her brow. But she warily reached out and took the weapon offered her way, almost immediately recalling how to balance it in her hand, how to shift her stance, distribute her weight. Catra watched, her smile stretching a little. Adora, always the ideal student, the perfect little warrior. She offered out her free hand, which Adora took after a moment’s hesitation. And then she plunged onwards, tugging Adora at full speed into the ‘Whispering Woods’.

“Ah- hey! Catra, slow down!”

Adora was nearly yanked straight off her feet, finding herself stumbling along behind. Catra simply laughed, glancing back over her shoulder.

“Come on, bet we can beat our best time! Not like there’s anything to stop us now!”

Adora, trying her best not to stumble over the scenery, grimaced while trying to get enough hold to slow Catra down. She didn’t like this, she was stressed, she was tired and vulnerable, she wasn’t in a state to be charging around in this hellhole, but Catra just had to always leap before looking.

“Catra! Stop! Why are you like this?!”

Catra stopped abruptly and Adora nearly thumped right into the back of her. She felt a clawed hand grab the back of her collar and yank her roughly back. “Catra- _aaah?!”_

Her foot had scraped the edge of a black pit, the woods having given way to what should have been open battlefield… but instead all had collapsed, the shifting ground giving way to open emptiness. Adora doubled over for a second, on her knees at the edge of the gap she’d nearly tumbled straight into. She didn’t have the heart for these brushes with death anymore.

Catra just scoffed. “Well, so much for breaking our record. Unless you’ve learned to fly in the meantime.”

“ _Catra._ Don’t _do_ that. I was _terrified_.”

“Were you? I mean, nothing here can actually _hurt_ you.”

Adora scowled at her and gestured at the empty air in front of them. Catra laughed.

“What, that? You know that it’s, like, a few metre’s fall at worst, right? Come _on_ , this place is for _kids!_ ”

Adora blinked. That had never actually occurred to her. But it made perfect sense – for all the Horde’s evil, its malice and abuse, its cadets were its biggest resource… they wouldn’t _actually_ let harm come to them.

“I never actually…”

“Oh, of course not, miss _star student!_ They’re not all like, ‘The punishment for failure is _death_ ’ and all, you know. Even Hordak has _standards_.”

“So what, do they like, fish you out later?”

Catra paused and her expression slipped for a moment.

“It… depends. They’re meant to come back up once the test’s over. Sometimes they… forget.”

“Forget? What, they leave you down there?”

Another scoff from Catra and a dismissive shrug of her shoulders. Adora frowned. “For how long?”

“As long as they ‘forget’ to. Maybe an hour. Maybe several. Rogelio said Kyle was in one for half a day once. Think Shadow Weaver was keen to press the lesson on him that time. I think _that_ was when those guys started to stay close.

Adora tilted her head, eyes on Catra’s expression. She was talking, now, now she’d had her brief spurt of adrenaline. Of course she’d want to come here. She’d always been at her best here, where she could show off her abilities and not have to pay any mind to the petty politics or interpersonal dramas that dragged her down. She’d charge in, dancing around the playing field, a big slap in the face to the people who told her she’d never amount to anything.

“How long did they leave you?”

“Ha- Like I’d let them keep me! No, I clawed my way back out every time. As much as weaver _loved_ to make sure the floor was basically _collapsing around me_.”

Her bluster betrayed her. Catra was a good liar, but she couldn’t lie to Adora anymore. And the fact that she was lying told the truth well enough. Now she thought of it, there were a handful of times she could recall where Catra just disappeared for the rest of the day, resurfacing the next with some excuse or another. Had she really been…?

“I had no idea.”

Catra’s face twisted. “Well, whatever. It doesn’t matter now.”

“I think it does.”

Adora was on her feet again, her hand resting softly on Catra’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice it before. I knew they were pretty hard on you and all, but-”

Her hand was brushed away, Catra’s expression sullen.

“I said it doesn’t matter.”

The moment had passed. Catra was clamming up again, dragging in her thoughts, her secrets, bundling them up close to her chest. Closing herself off. Adora frowned as she regarded her friend’s silent suffering. There was plenty more yet for them to work through, but Catra had to open up to her. How could she get her to…?

“Hey. Catra, hold on.”

Catra was ready to turn to leave, but paused, raising an eyebrow at Adora. This time, it was Adora’s turn to smirk, raising up the staff she still wielded in the one hand. “How about we spar one out again? Just one more time.”

“Say what?” Catra looked gobsmacked. She recoiled. “I thought we were _done_ fighting.”

“It’s not a _real_ fight. Just for fun. Come on.” Adora raised an eyebrow. “I know you had the same thing in mind when you brought us here.”

Catra’s pout said ‘bullseye’. She really was easy to read, sometimes, as much as she pretended to resent that fact. The staff danced in Catra’s hand, rolled back and forth, before being thrust forwards at Adora in a challenge.

“Fine. Now you don’t have the 8-foot trump card maybe I’ll get to win again.”

“Not likely!”

They smirked at each other, tips of each other’s staffs tapping together once, twice… then Adora was the one to swing first, immediately catching Catra by surprise.

“Woah- hey!”

Adora cackled. Every single time, Catra had been the aggressive one, trying to land the initial strike, and Adora had always wanted to turn the tables on her, have her be the one on the back foot. Still, Catra quickly blocked and her scowl switched to a smirk. “Oh, you are going _down._ ”

Adora beckoned her tauntingly. Catra sprung back twice as fast, swinging left, right, left again- their staffs smacked together once, twice, three times… then Catra shoved at her chest and she was knocked back, whipping her head back a moment later as Catra swung upwards, nearly catching her under the chin. In return Adora jabbed at her stomach and Catra was seen off again, their exchange concluded. Adora glared.

“Hold on- isn’t that _Lonnie’s_ combo?”

A grin of feigned innocence stretched across Catra’s face. “I have _nooo_ idea what you mean!”

Adora sprung forward again, this time aiming for Catra’s legs. Nope, if Catra was anything she was quick on her feet and she danced around the move, giving a riposte that Adora deflected off to the side.

“Move thief! You’re a fight thief!”

It was Catra’s turn to cackle manically as she blocked and dodged a series of swipes and thrusts from an offended Adora – who seconds later felt a jarring pain in her knee and went down on one leg. A triumphant Catra pressed the advantage, Adora sliding onto her back and rolling to get away.

“What, you think I didn’t learn _anything_ from all those times before? I’m not just a dumb jock like you, Adora!”

“A dumb- _excuse me?!_ ”

That got her back on her feet and lunging at Catra again, who this time only barely slid out of the way. But Adora swung back and clipped the back of her head, bringing out a yowl of pain. A sequence of follow-up swipes were defended against with one hand, while another rubbed at her temple. That’s gonna bruise.

_“You take that back!”_

“ _Make me._ ”

Adora’s cheeks went a bright rosy red. And a second later, she was on her back with Catra on top of her, staff pressed in under her neck while their faces came together, close together. A finger pressed into her forehead.

“Hey Adora.”

“That’s- this is- cheating!” Adora was still blushing, avoiding eye contact now. She squirmed, desperately trying to wriggle out of the Cat’s grasp. “Get off of me!”

“Not until you admit I’m better than you!”

Catra prodded at her helpless face and Adora snapped at her finger, which made Catra laugh all the louder.

“You suck! The only time I’ve ever lost to you is because I _let_ you win!”

To her surprise, that one landed and actually seemed to jar Catra. Without thinking she kicked at the girl’s stomach, sending her sprawling. She leapt up and grabbed her staff again, swinging it down. Catra’s reactions were slower, distracted, and she easily landed hits to the girl’s shoulder and chest, keeping her down. It was then that she hesitated, frowning.

“Catra…?”

She was laughing again, pained tears at the corners of her eyes. “Okay, okay, you win, geez.”

Adora tipped her head, staff lowering, giving her a look of concern “Are you… okay?”

“I just… You know, I remember that time you let me win. Just that one time.”

“Oh, Catra, I… I was just trash-talking, I didn’t mean-“

“Shadow Weaver gave me hell for that, you know.”

Adora felt like she’d been punched. “Shadow Weaver…?”

“Uh huh. She was _mad_. Said that you deliberately held yourself back for me. Made yourself look bad.”

Silence.

“I actually… tried not to win, after that. Turned out that was the wrong thing to do, too. Cause then it wasn’t even a challenge, see- no effort at all. That was the first night she left me in the pit.”

Adora was struggling to breathe, her jaw clenched.

“So it was like… I had to do well, but not _too_ well. Couldn’t embarrass you or make you _look bad_. And it was terrifying, you know? Trying to seem like I was doing my best while making sure I didn’t steal the moment from you. And that fear, that horrible feeling you might _let me win_ again, that you’d try to do something nice to me, except it’d just make things _so much worse_.”

“Why didn’t-”

Catra gave one sharp, short laugh. “What would you have done? You’d have said something to her, tried to stop it, because that’s what you are. You’re a good person. But you wouldn’t have done anything. She would have pet your hair, told you it’s sweet that you’d stand up for me, and then she’d have made my life even more of a living hell. Because that’s what she is, and you were never in any position to change that.”

Adora’s hands were trembling. Catra’s eyes were flowing with tears now, despite the sad, bitter smile on her face. “I didn’t-”

“You didn’t know. I know. It’s okay. I don’t… I don’t blame you, not really. I mean, I did, kinda, for a while. I was just- I couldn’t win. I could never.”

Adora was frozen, trembling, her own eyes stinging and blurring now. She felt… small. Smaller than ever. Small, powerless, weak. So stupid and ignorant to never have seen or understood. So _angry_.

“Catra…”

The hands around her staff shook violently. Her eyes closed. Her teeth ground. And then with a sharp movement, the weapon snapped in two.

“A-adora?”

Ends still sparking, the remains of the weapon were tossed to the side and clattered down into the pit for good. And then Adora threw herself forwards onto her friend, her best friend, who meant the world to her and whom she never wanted to hurt or injure again, directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally. She squeezed her arms around Catra tightly, with no regard for the sore bruises she’d dealt only minutes ago. Catra herself was silent for a few seconds in surprise, before resting her face forwards into Adora’s shoulder. Holding her. Trembling against each other, letting the tears pass, letting the fears and regret of the past drain out of them. This was the present, this was now, they were stronger and better and beyond… everything.

“I’m sorry.” Catra whispered weakly.

“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t ours. We didn’t deserve it.”

“No… we didn’t.” Catra’s eyes closed, her breathing finally starting to slow as the two of them pressed into one another, relishing the feeling of being together, being this close, with nothing between them to ever pull them apart or be in their way.

Some amount of time passed. Their tears stopped. The pain and apologies passed. They still held on, more than was needed, because they wanted to. Eventually, slowly, Adora pulled away, running a hand through Catra’s hair to rouse her too.

“Come on. Let’s get out of here. We’re done with fighting.”

Catra nodded, the two of them helping each other up with hands clasped together. Their eyes lingered on each other.

“Ready to move on?” Catra asked quietly.

“Definitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: When I wrote the part with Catra calling Adora a 'Dumb Jock' and Catra said "MAKE ME" I actually had to stop writing and take a break for a while because I am a dumb lesbian who flustered myself.


	4. Its Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you ready to get REALLY GAY????
> 
> CW for discussion of suicide ideation!

This time they walked side by side, attached to one another by the arm. They knew this was going to be rocky, emotionally. But the two had known that this was somewhere they’d both wanted to go… for however long they could bear to.

The dormitory corridors were a weaving tangle of corridors on all different levels, separated by rank, then age group, then squad… of course, there were no explicit signs so it was somewhat of a hazing ritual to learn your own dorm’s location. You’d have your fair share of sleepless nights until you sorted yourself out – just part of the taught independence in the Horde.

Of course, the way back to their own dorm was still just another reflex. They didn’t pause for a moment’s hesitation along the way, neither did they share a word between them. Just preparing themselves mentally… and comforting themselves in the shared contact between them.

Catra’s claws tensed around her arm and Adora stopped, looking at her.

“What is it?”

“Ha. It’s here. You recognise it?”

Adora looked around, thinking about it. The entrance to their dorm would be just around the corner. But this was just another corridor… oh.

“This… this was where we talked last, wasn’t it. Before I- before I left.”

She got silence in response but she could feel Catra’s tension thinking about that night. The last night Adora had spent with the Horde. The defining moment of her life… of their lives. What if things had been different then? “…If I’d asked you to come… what do you think might have happened?”

“I don’t know.”

Right. Catra wasn’t one to reflect like that. And what good would it do for either of them? It happened because it happened. Ugh, still, she couldn’t stop her mind tumbling over a million possibilities, ways she could have changed things, if she had a chance to do it all over again. Would Catra have left the Horde with her, had she been there at her side at the first moment She-ra was uncovered? Or might she just have been convinced to bring the discovery back to the Horde? Would an age of pain and strife between her and Catra have been averted, or would it have cost her and the world everything?

“Adora. Stop it.” Catra snapped her out of it with a literal snap of fingers in her face. “You don’t know what would’ve happened. Don’t overthink it.” There was a brush of warm, soft fuzz against the back of her hand. The tip of Catra’s tail twirled between her fingers and Adora tried to focus on the sensation, to draw her mind away from an infinity of possibilities.

“You’re right.”

“I know. And all that stuff about leaving me? I’m over it. I don’t care anymore. It… hurt, but, you know. It’s one of those things.”

“I’m not leaving you again.”

“Exactly.” Catra huffed, rubbing her cheek against Adora’s arm. She was exceptionally clingy for someone who, for most of her life, valued her own independence above all else. With, of course, the one exception. The aloofness façade broke so easily when it was just the two of them… Adora’s expression softened and she gave a fuzzy ear a delicate rub, giggling when it gave a pleased wiggle.

“Well… let’s go in.”

“Mhm.” Catra murmured in a slight haze, more relaxed than she had any right to be. But then, this was the part of their tour that held the least degree of stress or trauma, the warmest of memories for the duo. Here was for the most part, their sanctuary and safe haven. A place to rest and recuperate and come together, to put the rest of the day behind them and start to prepare for the next, all the while with the hopes that tomorrow would improve in some way or another.

Adora couldn’t get over how cramped it was now, in comparison to the large and plush bedrooms of Castle Brightmoon. In fact, she wasn’t sure She-ra would even _fit_ with the ceiling this low. When they moved to sit on their old shared bunk, she nearly smacked her head into the one above; something which did not go unnoticed by her feline companion, who sniggered behind one hand.

“Ah, shut up.”

“Sorry it’s a bit cozier than you’re used to, _princess_.”

“Maybe I just like having a bed to myself for once!”

“Ohhhohoho, well, you never _used_ to mind!”

“Even when I _did_ , I’d wake up with you on top of my legs anyway!”

“Can’t help it if I sleepwalked.”

“You did _not_ sleepwalk.”

“You can’t prove anything.”

They locked hands as they bickered pointlessly, grappling with each other as they shoved and wrestled like toddlers. Adora managed to both pin Catra down and smack the back of her head on the bedframe, which absolutely _killed_ the other girl with laughing fits that just wouldn’t stop. She had to look away from Adora, who was rolling around in pain and mumbled language that would shock Mermista on a bad day, herself doubled over and struggling to breathe.

When she opened her eyes again, it was to a blurry sight that made her heart instantly leapt up into her throat. She gulped and looked quickly away, a tidal wave of shame crashing down on her. When Adora recovered from her spasms of agony she found Catra unable to make eye contact, hugging her legs, looking like she wanted to disappear. The trigger for this change in mood was staring lifelessly from the metal wall, a familiar pair of faces watching over them.

“Oh, Catra…”

She put a hand to the claw marks that scoured across a sketched figure of her face, sympathetic eyes falling on the girl who now could find herself barely able to look back. Adora wanted to tell her it was fine, that it was just a stupid drawing they’d done as kids, of course she’d hate to have seen that face watching her while she slept – but she knew Catra knew it was stupid, it was all stupid, but it still hurt.

“I was just so _angry_.” Catra surprised her by being the one to volunteer something for once. “I was angry and I hated you, I hated that you’d left me, I hated you so much… I never wanted to see you again, but Shadow Weaver made me lead the stupid search party so obviously I’d have to find you again, but I just wished I could _erase_ you and start over and I felt stupid, stupid for having cared about you and trusted you-”

She paused, taking a breath.

“I wanted to die. I wanted to curl up and maybe it would be a dream or something, or you’d show up and it’d be some stupid prank that went too far and Shadow Weaver would be mad but forgive you, obviously – but really I just wanted to erase everything and not wake up, not wake up without you being there, I just wanted to not _care_ so much because it _hurt-_ ”

Now she was covering her face, trembling again. Adora was stunned, too stunned to do anything except sit there while Catra spilled out an eruption of emotions that no young girl ever deserved to go through in a lifetime, let alone a day, or less.

“I couldn’t sleep, I was _alone_ and _betrayed_ and- I just couldn’t bear to think of trying to get up the next morning and try to move on somehow, I didn’t want to… it was the worst, the worst night of my life. I didn’t want to _be_.”

The storm had begun to subside, Catra just shaking and rubbing at her face, trying to claw the tears away as they once again began pouring out. Adora, too, was joining in the waterworks, wiping them away on her sleeves as she tried her best to come anywhere near comprehending what it must have been like for her, to feel so alone and betrayed and worthless. When it seemed like the worst had passed, she managed the courage to reach out and lay a hand on Catra’s. When she didn’t pull away, she drew closer, finding welcoming arms pulling her in as a devastated Catra pressed her face into her chest once more. Comforting hands stroked through a tangled mess of hair, rubbing and petting tenderly – words were unnecessary, there was nothing she could say that Catra didn’t know now just from her presence and warmth and care.

“Let’s stay.” Adora suggested quietly, just a whisper into Catra’s ear.

“Please.” It couldn’t be much later than early evening but she was just so exhausted. Not just that but she still hadn’t properly slept since everything ended. Getting used to a whole new life, a whole new world, it was hard and there was still so much weighing down on her. She needed familiarity, an anchor in a reality she knew and could build from.

She’d blinked at Adora who apparently no longer slept fully dressed.

“Well, you know, it’s not like we’re going to be dragged out for drills at 3am anymore,” she’d replied with a shrug before wriggling down under the covers in her underwear.

She’d stayed sat at the edge of the bed, eyes on Adora who was pointedly _not_ looking at her while she wrestled with gay thoughts.

“Ugh. Whatever.”

And then Adora smirked as cold hands wrapped around to rest on her bare stomach, her own coming down on top of them. “You’re freezing.”

“I’m an ice queen.”

“No, we already have one of those.”

Catra grumbled something along the lines of “Shudupn’godasleep” and Adora fell obligingly silent, more at ease than she’d ever known possible. She could feel Catra’s warm breath on her shoulders, their bare feet intertwining. Where not long it looked like they could never be further apart, now they were closer than ever before.

Catra’s hand pulled slowly away. She shifted, giving a lazy inquisitive hum, only to tense up slightly as the cold touch appeared on her back, drifting down from her shoulders.

Tracing out the pattern of scars that had been clawed into her back so many months ago.

Had she been trying to kill?

Catra didn’t know.

All she had known was anger.

Malice. Vengeance. Hatred.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.” The words whispered into Adora’s back, who in return just clenched Catra’s other hand ever tighter. “I’ll do better. I promise.”

No more lashing out. No more revenge, petty revenge. No more self-destruction through blind pride, wrath, envy.

She pressed a kiss where she had once raked vicious wounds into beautiful flesh.

No more hurting. Only healing.


	5. Its Eyes

Catra opened her eyes and found herself gazing at the face of the most beautiful girl in the world.

Adora always was a restless sleeper, tossing and turning and shifting positions a hundred times or more in one night. She never woke in the same position she fell asleep in. Catra slept through it all, somehow, bundled up and now in her arms, those warm hands glowing into her bare back. What time was it now? They could have been here for days for all she knew or cared. She felt better, though, much better. She’d cried so much it had hurt her throat and her face was still dry, so dry, but her chest felt so much lighter, she wasn’t suffocating anymore, she could breathe freely again, finally.

There was a grumble from Adora and she shifted again, arm flopping over sideways as she rolled onto her back before making the most undignified of snorting snores. Catra nearly choked on laughter. So much for the beautiful princess. Adora wasn’t one for upholding any illusions about herself. Taking advantage, she stretched out, resting her cheek on Adora’s chest and looking up at that dopey, snoozey sleeping beauty. Her hand reached up to brush a thumb over Adora’s cheek, carefully picking some rebellious stray strands of blonde hair from her face and eyes.

“Hey, Adora,” she murmured absent-mindedly, feeling half like she was in some sort of dream. Only at that moment, there was a slight slow movement and she was surprised but not dismayed to feel a gentle scratching at her ear which elicited a quiet purr.

“Hey Catra.”

Those blue eyes were half-open and looking down at her. Catra’s face flushed. Whether Adora had just woken or had been very convincingly pretending to sleep, there was no witty comeback or snark she could rustle up for this situation. She just looked away instead, hiding her face.

“Ugh…”

Adora laughed. “What?”

“Forget it.”

“Hey,” her fingers shifted around from the top of her head, to her cheek, to under her chin, lifting it up so their eyes met again. “Hey. You don’t have to be embarrassed. I’m not.”

Catra responded with silence, still not able to hold eye contact for long. It wasn’t that easy to get over months- no, years- of tension and unspoken things. So many defence mechanisms, hiding their own feelings for each other’s sake. They didn’t give up so easily.

“I know.” She eventually responded, but still she only pulled herself upright and onto the side of the bed, resting forward on her legs. She sighed. Adora joined her moments later, not re-initiating the intimate contact but laying a hand on Catra’s thigh. She let it stay there but didn’t react otherwise.

“Did I upset you?”

Ugh, now she was worried she did something wrong, which she didn’t, of course she didn’t. Adora was gentle, caring, conscientious and most of all, didn’t have a malicious bone in her body. She was simply incapable of acting in anger or bad faith, or selfishness. Why she’d want anything to do with Catra was totally inconceivable.

“No.” Catra replied finally, her own hand falling atop Adora’s and squeezing reassuringly. Then she lied, lovingly. “I’m okay.”

There was silence between them again, just the two of them sitting together, a million words floating unspoken over their heads. Adora’s hand twisted and interlocked their fingers. Catra’s heart thudded.

“Do you want to go anywhere else?” Adora finally inquired, eyes on Catra.

Her eyes closed as Catra passed over a hundred, a thousand unhappy memories of days and horrors gone by. She didn’t want to relive a single one more. “I want to go away from this place and never look back.”

Another pause.

“There’s somewhere I’d like to go with you first.”

Her eyes opened again, her brow furrowing at Adora questioningly. Then she huffed. “Sure, whatever.”

They stood. They dressed. They gave one look back at the bunk they’d shared for nearly a decade and bid it a final silent farewell.

Adora was leading them upwards. She seemed to know where she was going, but Catra hadn’t a clue. She didn’t care to think about it much. One last favour for Adora, that was it, then this place could rot and burn and melt away forever. Maybe she’d request that specifically. Entrapta would probably know a ton of ways to wipe a fortress of the face of the planet. Mermista could wash a tidal wave over it. Perfuma could turn it into a jungle. Frosta could encase it in a glacier. Maybe Glimmer one day would be strong enough to teleport it into the sun.

“Here!”

She snapped back to reality, realising that a cool breeze was caressing her face. She blinked, gazing out into the night sky. They were miles up above the ground, the twisted pipes and smoke stacks of the Fright Zone a forest below them illuminated by the glowing red moon. From here you could see just how sorry a shape it was all in; half collapsed, burying itself in the sand, slowly reclaimed by the earth. Adora was looking at her with a smile, offering her hand out. Catra took it, then the other. Her ears wiggled.

“It looks so different now, huh? Big change from last time.”

“Last time…?”

“You know. The night I was promoted. Not like I’d forget it.”

Once again Catra’s heart skipped as she gaped at Adora. Sentimental Adora. Beautiful Adora. Adora who sometimes forgot how to spell people’s names but remembered the things that mattered because she’s just good to her core. Adora who was always too good for this place.

“I’d really hoped back then, you know- that I’d be able to give you everything you wanted. To get you out of this place, to see the world.”

“And conquer it.”

 _“And_ conquer it.” Adora confirmed with a snigger. Catra smiled slightly. Then sighed.

“All’s well that ends well, huh?”

“This isn’t the end, Catra. It’s the beginning.”

She gave Adora a bemused look, genuinely puzzled. Adora wore a sincere expression, still clasping both their hands together as one.

“Catra. All we had before was war, and fighting and, and nothing! But there’s so much more now, so much to live for and experience. I’ve only been with the Rebellion a short time but they’ve shown me so much already but it’s still so _little!_ So…”

She faltered, stumbling over her words at the last second. Catra tipped her head and just gave her time to get her thoughts straight.

“Catra, I… I’ve been with Glimmer for a while. She’s been… we got close, and she’s sweet, kind, and beautiful, and she really, really cares about me… and I care about her.”

Catra swallowed and quietly interjected, “W-well, that’s… good. She’s good for you.”

Adora shook her head. “…But when I thought about how much I love her… it made me realise how much I wished I could share all that with _you_. It made me realise all that had been _stolen_ from us, how through all of what happened, the whole time I just wanted _you_ , in that same way, for us to be happy and together and… well…”

Adora’s hands were trembling. _Wow,_ Catra thought to herself. _So taking on the Horde was nothing, but this…?_

Her hand moved on top of Adora’s.

“Um… you and glimmer _were_ …?”

“W-well. I don’t know. She, she was understanding about it all. She wants what’s best for me. She cares about me.”

“She loves you.”

Adora smiled a little. “Mhm.”

Catra hesitated. “So you and her... you'd…”

“That’s… up to you, I think. And, well, that depends on what you think about… us, first. But… well… we can all talk about it.” She pulled Catra’s hand up, putting it to her cheek. “We have all the time we need… for talking.”

They were both nervous, scared, unsure. Like being kids again, knowing nothing, ignorant of everything. But together. Together, facing something neither of them knew or understood before.

“Do you… do you- do- you-” Catra stammered, it was horrible and terrifying and embarrassing. “…care about me?”

Adora shook her head and twisted their fingers together. “…I love you, Catra.”

Her head was spinning. She was dizzy, confused, scared.

“I- I care-”

Adora cut her off with another squeeze of their fingers together and shake of her head.

“Say it. Please. Say it.”

“I- I… I love you- Adora.”

Adora’s chest heaved with a sob and she fell forwards against Catra, bringing their lips together finally. Catra returned the kiss while tears poured down her face, her eyes stinging but their mouths singing. Her hands sought their way around Adora, her adored, climbing up her back and clinging behind her shoulders, claws digging in desperately and never letting go again. They trembled against each other. Their sobs of joy echoed in the still night.

This place had tried to break them. They danced on its corpse and fused their injured hearts together with bonds of steel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for coming on this gay little journey with me. I love these two so much and I hope so deeply they get the happy ending they deserve.


End file.
